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*Written for my blog, illianfragments.wordpress.com/ , and copied over here.  I've been ghosting here for a long time, not sure if that will change, if dA is something I'll come back to and be invested in ever again.

As applies directly to this site, I made my Loki cosplay and wore it to ComicCon last year, and it was and is so beautiful, so detailed, and so precisely perfect.  Rather than simply talent, I'm amazed with how detail-oriented I can be, and how driven when there is cause to be.  I may soon post pictures, the few I have.

In other news, I am currently 18, going into second year university in BC, taking Creative Writing and Psychology.  This summer, I've rewatched the entirety of Orphan Black (I can not speak highly enough of this show and truly recommend it - I tend to believe that there is enough good literature and film in the world that there is little that needs be rewatched or reread, and much that needs to be newly taken in, but Orphan Black has proven to be in the small percentage that I trust to be as meaningful the second time), and read and watched much besides.  I've also collected every scrap of semi-insightful scrawled writing in one place, should I choose to transcribe it.

Blog post:

//+~\\+~//

I’ve been away, I know that.  My psychologist is saying it might be a good thing, and brings up how much pressure I put on myself.  It’s interesting to see, the balance of pressure and of letting go; cycles of contract and release that fill out inside my head.  I’m not sure how much I’ve done in the last little while, if it could be considered a lot.  I spend a lot of time and energy catching up, moving into the recent past and trying to catch sight of the webs of movements, to then sort them out.  I don’t want to say I have decided anything, figured it out to move into the future.  Life is how it is.  I thought, just now, of all those things people tend to regret when they die, that they’ve run out of time for.  What am I sorry for?  Having just finished To Kill A Mockingbird, it comes to me that children know something, they know how to fill out their days and not dwell on it, not think of having wasted time.  I have spent a lot of time, and I have also gotten a lot done.  These are two different scales in my mind, and achievement isn’t something to be measured against time.  Time does its own thing, and achievement is measured against the self.

I won’t ever be a reliable person, in regards to deadlines and checking off lists and knowing what to do when.  Recently, I was overcome with shame at a stupid mistake I made, a place where I miscalculated the world, and it complicated things for me and made me both disrespectful and irresponsible.  Loki came back then, and it was comforting to have my god, a love who had disappeared from mind for a few months, stepping in to assure me.  Moving forward is good even if my trajectory is wavering and I struggle. 

It is not hard to be a person.  Looking forward, I don’t fear the coming year.  I don’t fear my prospects or my sanity.  I believe in my ability to talk, to make acquaintances and develop friendships.  I believe in my psyche, that I can go alone and enjoy as much with myself as someone else.  I believe that the friends who now surround me are strong, are good, and offer something. 

There’s an odd incompatibility in what I am saying and what I have been.  I can be volatile, I can despair, I can obsess and lose control from obsessing.  I don’t know how to stay happy.  There is great strength for me in the idea of the Phoenix, a creature that burns up, and falls away, and is then reborn.  I don’t know that shape of my life, or who I am within it, but there are two things I am aware of: that in some way, I’m always trying, and that I never cease to come back to a place of possibility. 

  • Mood: Content
  • Listening to: "Yookhor" by Namgar
  • Reading: "Herzog" by Saul Bellow
  • Watching: Suits, Wristcutters
  • Playing: Thomas Was Alone

*Written for my blog, illianfragments.wordpress.com/ , and copied over here.  I've been ghosting here for a long time, not sure if that will change, if dA is something I'll come back to and be invested in ever again.

As applies directly to this site, I made my Loki cosplay and wore it to ComicCon last year, and it was and is so beautiful, so detailed, and so precisely perfect.  Rather than simply talent, I'm amazed with how detail-oriented I can be, and how driven when there is cause to be.  I may soon post pictures, the few I have.

In other news, I am currently 18, going into second year university in BC, taking Creative Writing and Psychology.  This summer, I've rewatched the entirety of Orphan Black (I can not speak highly enough of this show and truly recommend it - I tend to believe that there is enough good literature and film in the world that there is little that needs be rewatched or reread, and much that needs to be newly taken in, but Orphan Black has proven to be in the small percentage that I trust to be as meaningful the second time), and read and watched much besides.  I've also collected every scrap of semi-insightful scrawled writing in one place, should I choose to transcribe it.

Blog post:

//+~\\+~//

I’ve been away, I know that.  My psychologist is saying it might be a good thing, and brings up how much pressure I put on myself.  It’s interesting to see, the balance of pressure and of letting go; cycles of contract and release that fill out inside my head.  I’m not sure how much I’ve done in the last little while, if it could be considered a lot.  I spend a lot of time and energy catching up, moving into the recent past and trying to catch sight of the webs of movements, to then sort them out.  I don’t want to say I have decided anything, figured it out to move into the future.  Life is how it is.  I thought, just now, of all those things people tend to regret when they die, that they’ve run out of time for.  What am I sorry for?  Having just finished To Kill A Mockingbird, it comes to me that children know something, they know how to fill out their days and not dwell on it, not think of having wasted time.  I have spent a lot of time, and I have also gotten a lot done.  These are two different scales in my mind, and achievement isn’t something to be measured against time.  Time does its own thing, and achievement is measured against the self.

I won’t ever be a reliable person, in regards to deadlines and checking off lists and knowing what to do when.  Recently, I was overcome with shame at a stupid mistake I made, a place where I miscalculated the world, and it complicated things for me and made me both disrespectful and irresponsible.  Loki came back then, and it was comforting to have my god, a love who had disappeared from mind for a few months, stepping in to assure me.  Moving forward is good even if my trajectory is wavering and I struggle. 

It is not hard to be a person.  Looking forward, I don’t fear the coming year.  I don’t fear my prospects or my sanity.  I believe in my ability to talk, to make acquaintances and develop friendships.  I believe in my psyche, that I can go alone and enjoy as much with myself as someone else.  I believe that the friends who now surround me are strong, are good, and offer something. 

There’s an odd incompatibility in what I am saying and what I have been.  I can be volatile, I can despair, I can obsess and lose control from obsessing.  I don’t know how to stay happy.  There is great strength for me in the idea of the Phoenix, a creature that burns up, and falls away, and is then reborn.  I don’t know that shape of my life, or who I am within it, but there are two things I am aware of: that in some way, I’m always trying, and that I never cease to come back to a place of possibility. 

  • Mood: Content
  • Listening to: "Yookhor" by Namgar
  • Reading: "Herzog" by Saul Bellow
  • Watching: Suits, Wristcutters
  • Playing: Thomas Was Alone

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:iconleftunfinished:
LeftUnfinished Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thanks for the fave!
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NotenSMSK Featured By Owner May 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Happy birthday!!! May you have a great day!
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Iglybo Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014
thanks for the fave :hug:
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esotEric1377 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Amazing writing!
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YogaTeacher Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much.
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0hgravity Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for the fav ^^
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0hgravity Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very much for the watch ^^ I appreciate your support.
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lombregrise Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you for the fave! :)
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MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you for the favourite!:D
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adeline-renee Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013  Student Writer
thanks so much for the watch, it really means a lot!! :heart:
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